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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28332990">This Is Me Trying</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhertzof/pseuds/hhertzof'>hhertzof</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>New Mutants (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dark Past, Female Friendship, Gen, Growing Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:29:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28332990</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhertzof/pseuds/hhertzof</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Illyana has bad nights sometimes, when the world feels overwhelming and nothing seems to fit.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kitty Pryde &amp; Illyana Rasputin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Yuletide Madness 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>This Is Me Trying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladymercury_10/gifts">Ladymercury_10</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The bed was too soft. It was one of the many things that Illyana still hadn't gotten used to about being back home. The bed was too soft and life was too gentle and there were too many people about. People who she needed to interact with in a relatively civilized manner. Her social skills were so very rusty after half a lifetime in Limbo.</p><p>Illyana understood the chaos of Limbo, she didn't understand the chaos of the New Mutants with their petty squabbles and human-induced baggage but she was trying to learn. They'd already taught her that being a teenager in this world was difficult, even when you had grown up in it. It helped to know that she wasn't the only one who had trouble finding her place in this world.</p><p>But the others had points of reference. TV shows that hadn't appealed to her when she was six less than a year ago, school and home life and friendships. All of Illyana's friendships had ended badly except for the one with Kitty and that was still so very new.</p><p>She finally got up, unable to sleep, and sat cross-legged on the bed, hugging her pillow. Most of the time, she could convince herself that she was okay now. She was home and safe. She'd escaped the nightmare of her life in :imbo. Most of the time. </p><p>Kitty was somewhere in the mansion working on some project or other. Illyana knew she could go looking for her friend, but this was one of those days when she'd spent too much time around the New Mutants and after all the years alone in Limbo, she didn't always find the crowds restful. </p><p>Illyana didn't like to dwell on why she and Kitty had bonded so much after Illyana's return from Limbo. On one hand, Kitty accepted Illyana as she was. Kitty had watched Illyana change from a scared six-year-old to whatever she was now and hadn't missed a beat. Kitty didn't expect Illyana to be something she wasn't. She wasn't wary or judgmental. She didn't make Illyana feel defensive about what she'd had to become to survive. On the other...no, she wouldn't drop into that spiral. She hugged the pillow tighter instead, suddenly tempted to go back down to her classmates in the rec room, and to let the New Mutants' chaos override the chaos in her head.</p><p>She'd dealt with this just fine in Limbo, when it was all just a matter of survival and sacrifices that had to be made to stay alive and to stay sane. Here, in this soft, safe world, she didn't have to live like that and more, she'd found that she didn't want to. </p><p>But letting people in meant letting in the fears and doubts she'd suppressed. Worse, if the New Mutants knew what she'd done in Limbo, and what she'd become, she knew that it wouldn't just be Rahne who would be looking at her suspiciously. Better to keep to herself, walls up despite the cracks she knew were beginning to show, despite knowing that the day would come when she wouldn't be able to keep her secrets.</p><p>"Hey, roomie," Kitty said, as she clattered into the room, dumping an armful of books on her desk, before switching on the light. So much for restful.</p><p>Illyana blinked at the sudden brightness. "How can someone who can phase be so loud?" the words left Illyana's mouth without thought. "And how could you be so sure I was awake?"</p><p>"You're always awake when I come in." Kitty kicked off her shoes and flopped on her bed. "The hazard of living the lives we've lived. Neither of us is going to sleep through someone else coming into the room."</p><p>"You have a point, but that doesn't mean I want to be woken up by an elephant." Illyana threw her pillow at Kitty's head. To her disappointment, Kitty phased and the pillow hit the wall instead.</p><p>KItty sat up, grabbing the pillow and holding it in her lap, "So how's life with the X-Babies?"</p><p>Illyana made a face. "Must you call them that. I'm one of them, you know. Or at least I'm trying to be." She didn't count the times she'd had enough human interaction and used her teleport disks to disappear. "I know you feel like you're being demoted when you get stuck with them, but I was never an X-Man."</p><p>"I know. I know," Kitty replied ruefully. "Funny that you get along better with them than I do. I thought I was the social one."</p><p>"Social? You?" Illyana retorted. "You were perfectly happy being the only kid your age before I returned from Limbo. It's not like anything has changed."</p><p>"I'm social." Kitty was getting defensive. "I hang out with you and Doug and the X-Men."</p><p>"And you don't want that to change." Illyana wasn't sure where she was going with this discussion, but it kept her from dwelling on how Rahne had looked at her when she left, like Illyana was tainted. Illyana knew she was tainted. Why did she let Rahne's opinion bother her so much? "So why am I different? Do you feel sorry for me?"<br/>Illyana winced inwardly as the words left her lips but didn't allow her regret to show on her face.</p><p>"Don't be ridiculous," Kitty snapped. "Is that what this is about. Do you honestly think you're a pity project, Illyana? You're the least pitiful person I know." Kitty slung the pillow back at Illyana who snatched it from the air automatically before it made contact. "You've been through hell, literally, and came back and came back stronger. You understand what it's like to fight for your life, to be so scared you can't think and still come out swinging. You get it." She waved her hand expansively. "They don't, not yet. I wish they didn't have to learn but it's the world we live in. The villains aren't going to stop. The mutant hatred is not going to disappear. You and I, we had to grow up way too soon. Maybe when they've seen what we've seen, I'll be ready to fight alongside them, but right now I can't deal with pulling more weight than my own. I don't know how you can."</p><p>Whatever Illyana was expecting, it wasn't that. "But they have had to fought for their lives. They lost one of their own and kept on going. And you have no idea what they went through before they came here. Did you ever bother to ask? Or did you just assume that they were innocent little lambs being led to the slaughter the way we were once?"</p><p>Kitty winced at Illyana's words. "Maybe I did assume..."</p><p>"Maybe you're just looking for excuses not to interact with your peers. I might not know how to act with them, but at least I'm trying." Not for anything would Illyana admit how difficult she found it sometimes. </p><p>Kitty stared at her for a long time before replying. "And you wonder why I hang around with you. You get what's going on in my mind better than I do sometimes."</p><p>Illyana shrugged. "I'm on guard all the time. Trying to be what they expect." Trying to appear normal. Trying not to expose her secrets. "You let me be me without pressure. I needed that, after Limbo." She still wasn't ready to expose herself, even to Kitty, but even being able to let her guard down a little helped. Sometimes she thought Kitty might accept what she had become, but she was still unwilling to chance seeing that look of suspicion in her friend's eyes, so she changed the subject instead. 'Enough with the touchy-feely stuff. You want to sneak down to the kitchen for a snack?"</p><p>"Phase or teleport?" Kitty asked.</p><p>The usual question, and Illyana gave her usual answer. "Phase. I don't want to strand us somewhere dangerous. I just want some of the cookies Dani was baking." She stood and took the hand Kitty offered.</p><p>"We might get stuck interacting with our peers," Kitty pointed out. "Making small talk. Socializing."</p><p>"That's the chance we'll have to take. Dani makes really good cookies. We can face them together. We can face anything together." Illyana smiled. She knew the doubts would come back, but for just this moment she felt like maybe everything would be okay.</p>
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